Big welcome to you!
I served as a reg pioneer for a few years and as a MS. I left them in 1998. I had no doubts, or if i did i buried them so good i dont remember them. But what I did know was that i just did not want to be a JW or a christian anymore. I was burnt out, depressed and suicidal. I started leading a double life as my authentic self and the two worlds had to collide one day... and i let them (destoyed everything)
Towards the end i just could not stomach field service and if i did go i would ask to go alone, i would take a bible and nothing else, i could not bring myself to push magazines on people who clearly resented it. often if a house was empty i just stood on the porch for ages before moving on.
I started to hand talks back, esp public talks.
I stopped praying. I came to see it as nothing more than self affirming of what i thought, nothing more. I came to believe that God did not care one little bit about 'me'. Individuals were nothing more than colateral damage and pawns to this mad mans game of universal power struggle.
I was an apologist for them though for another 12 years! Until i found this place of refuge. I too was very conflicted coming here. Even being out for all that time it still felt very dangerous to log onto a forum of ex JWs. So began my journey of waking up.
I am glad you have already started to wake up and have the presence of mind to go easy on the wife. Too many here have lost a spouse when waking up. You will find a good many able to help you through confusion. It is truly amazing when you do wake up though isn't it! amazing clarity and yet it is mixed with fear too.
There are lots of serving and recently stepped down elders and Ms here...reach out for them.
Oz